onoasa:

jeffersonstarshipshavethetardis:

okay so we know about jesus when he’s a baby, and jesus when he’s an adult, but does the bible ever mention his rebellious teenager years?

‘jesus, go feed the donkey.’
‘yOU’RE NOT MY REAL FATHER’ 

the ground shakes a little, and a voice comes down from the sky

‘do what your stepfather says you little shit’

(via estelleisnotamused)

slytherintimelord:

laughcentre:

I was out yesterday and I saw Dumbledore just casually getting gas

EXPECTO PETROLEUM
skypestripper:

why is that car so close to the wall

parasitequeen:

My lyft driver is dropping me at lax and he just mumbled “There is never this much traffic in GTA”

a discussion on sexual orientation me: "*explaining various sexual orientations to a classmate* "
classmate: "wait, what's polyamory? "
me: "well, it's when someone has more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. "
professor: "*overhears from front of class* "
professor: "that is d i s g u s t i n g "
me: "*defensively* um, actually, no it's-- "
professor: "how DARE they put a greek prefix on a latin root like that?! What right do they have to decimate my beautiful antiquated languages?!?! GREEK AND LATIN DO NOT FRATERNIZE THIS IS LIKE THAT STUPID ROMANTIC SUBPLOT BETWEEN THAT DWARF AND THAT ELF IN THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! "
me: ".... "
me: ".... "
me: ".... "
professor: "it should be polyerosy"
Actual Quotes from my Dad (An English Teacher) Dad: "Why the hell did you put a comma there? "
Dad: "Do you even know what a participial phrase is? "
Dad: "Omg. He's like my favorite character of all time. "
Dad: "Who should I dress up as for the movie premier? "
Dad: "Hey are you awak? I know it's late, but you read Animal Farm, right? Yeah. I need you to read this report. I can't tell if I am just super tired or if this is actual bullshit. "
Dad: "Alesha wouldn't be able to spell 'definitely' right if wrote it down for her. She would fucking erase it and then write 'defiantly', because she doesn't care. I hate her. "
Dad: "I need you to bake brownies. I lost a bet. "
Dad: "Omg. You cannot ship me with Gilcher. You know I don't like tattoos and he's like twenty-five. And for Christ's sake, he teaches math. "
Dad: "Omg. Gilcher said the funniest thing today. "
Dad: "Mrs. Ashworth and I have decided to start a band. It'll be called Great Expectations. "
Dad: "It's like you didn't read the fucking book. "
Dad: "Okay. So this week you're reading this book I stole from Mrs. Ashworth's. It's like sixty pages long, but you'll love it. "
Dad: "*puts books on my bed for me to read everyday and demands that I read them* "
Dad: "My son doesn't like reading. I have not only failed him, but society. You aren't my son. Leave. "
Dad: "Okay. So you're getting books for Christmas. All of you. I get discounts on them since I'm a teacher, and since I'm a teacher, it's all I can afford, so... "
Dad: "Fucking standardized testing can go fuck itself in the ass. "
Dad: "I have to teach for the required testing instead of what they really need to know. "
Dad: "Fuck the government. "
Dad: "Fuck the school board. "
Dad: "Close the door. "
Dad: "Charles Dickens was so fucking pretentious, and I hate him, but he also caused change, but he's such a Dick. Ha. DICKens. "
Dad: "I love puns. "
Dad: "People who say sarcasm is the lowest form of humor are assholes. "
Dad: "Please shut up. "
Dad: "Catching Fire was the worst book but the best movie and that feels weird. "
Dad: "I wouldn't get so mad when you call me at school if you didn't change your ringtones to inappropriate rap music. "
Dad: "I fucking hate Alesha. She asked what countries were a part of Austria-Hungary today and I almost told her to get out. "
Dad: "You cannot visit my school in a dress that short. There are boys there. "
Dad: "Barbara Parks is fucking Queen. "
Dad: "I need you to make me a good, relaxing playlist for silent reading. I'm too lazy. "
Dad: "If I have to watch two of my students grind on each other at one more dance, I will kill them both. "
Dad: "They act like I care what they think. "
Dad: "I hate homework. "
Dad: "I have decided to become a politician. "
Dad: "What's the one book with the guys and the one kills the other and the chick without a name who dies and the short angry man? Mouseman? Oh my fucking gosh. Of Mice and Men. I have failed."
wire-man:

There were no survivors.

nekoyaz:

Someone is trying to bully my brother and my brother wants to take them to court and sue them for emotional damages. My brother is 12

(via estelleisnotamused)

bogusjake:

when ur running down the stairs with no bra on

image

(via the-pietriarchy)